Overview: Immediate opening for a failed, impeached chief executive and business owner (multiple bankruptcies preferred), who is well known in the shady worlds of casinos, “luxury resorts”, real estate speculation, human trafficking and reality television.
Fraud the Game needs a “Celebrity Apprentice” to endorse and pitch their game to select members of Congress, US government agencies, international oligarchs and VIPs in the business world that participate in and are intimately familiar with insider trading, market manipulation, tax fraud, self-dealing, non-disclosure, conflicts of interest, money laundering, political lobbying, hedge funds, insurance scams, pharmaceuticals and defrauding the public trust.
Career Objective: Create a fraudulent IPO for Fraud the Game and get Wall Street banks and shell companies to sell phony shares to elderly and disabled investors in a “pump and dump” scheme. The stolen money would then be wired to a Cayman Islands bank account and divided up amongst the selling syndicate, with all participants receiving 185% of the proceeds.
Requirements of the role include:
Narcissistic Personality Disorder
No experience as an elected official in any capacity prior to being impeached by the U.S. House of Representatives for abuse of power
Hunter mentality with ability to detain immigrant children in government run refugee camps
Inability to Focus or Read
Utter Lack of Curiosity
Racist and Sexist Tendencies
Ability to Tweet incoherently while sitting on a gold-plated toilet paid for by taxpayers at 4AM
Drug addiction (preferred)
Highly limited vocabulary
Ability to read at no higher than a 3rd grade level
Communication skills that are continually self-promotional, self-referencing and self-dealing in nature
Pathological Lying (highly preferred)
Not caring what people say or think about you as long as they are continually talking about you
Consistent track record of running businesses into the ground and declaring bankruptcies for tax purposes
Ability to fraudulently overstate business success and revenues in generating new investment opportunities and voters
Ability to overstate financial losses when filing undisclosed, non-public tax returns
Stiffing vendors for work they have already performed for you (also called stealing)
Track record of hiring illegal immigrants to work in your resorts
Obsession with illegal immigrants entering the country and ability to gin up ethnic hatred on propagandist news networks
No understanding of the role of global allies, diplomacy, environmental protection or human decency in public or private interactions
Desire to enrich yourself and your “brand” above everything else
Very friendly with leading autocrats including “Moscow” Mitch, Vladimir Putin and third-world dictators
Continual desire to bend the rules to benefit yourself and your thirst for money and power
Passion for porn stars, cover-ups, yes men, sycophants, fools and poorly educated members of the electorate that you have successfully tricked and duped into thinking you are a successful genius
Ability to “work” a few hours a day before taking a break to consume a lot of fast food and watch 6 hours of a propagandist news network, 4 days a week before taking a three-day golf weekend at the taxpayers’ expense at one of your resorts.
Once at the resort, ability to illegally communicate future foreign policy decisions to corrupt cronies who can then trade on that information, including oil speculation, stock market index hedging, interest rate arbitrage and in all economic sectors related to a potential trade with China.
Perks of creating this banana republic style insider trading consortium come in the form of promised free or reduced membership rates at your resorts, which you can renege on later, because that’s your style, what are they gonna do, hold you accountable?
Compensation and Benefits:
Candidate would receive a 90% commission on money raised in the pump and dump scheme plus bonus in the form of phony stock options in Fraud the Game.
Free healthcare for life, which given the state of your mental and physical health could be a HUGE benefit
Free Drug rehab and counseling
Eastern European Trophy wife if current wife decides to divorce you
Secret service protection for life
Own set of Golden Handcuffs
Resort living that can insulate you from the consequences of your own actions, such as fracking national parks that will result in poisonous run-off that will contaminate the ground water of millions of people who you tricked into voting for you.
Luxury cement bunker at the bottom of missile silo buried 5,000 feet deep in North Dakota that will keep the marauding hordes of unemployed, uninsured, starving angry millennials away that couldn’t be bothered to vote because they were too busy internet shopping and face-timing and instagramming and selfie-steaming while watching kittens videos.
– Fraud the Game is an Equal Opportunity Employer –